I’ve been lying for a long time about being ok with photos of myself… I’m not sure how much longer I’ve got on this planet so I’m not gonna waste any time pretending I like myself or my appearance. Alm i sorry for being so harsh? No. We’re all dealing with our shit, some more publicly than others. I just don’t see the point in keeping secrets about bullshit like how much I dread my own reflection. I truly believe everyone else is absolutely stunning in all shapes, sizes and that is facts. But I also understand that it’s almost impossible to feel that way about ourselves. Why am I sharing this? Publicly at that lol. Idk. I guess i just think it’s kind of bullshit that we’re all supposed to feel obligated to pretend like we aren’t bothered by a thing when we are. I think I should be allowed to just say that I hate photos of myself and I don’t want to see them and i would like to not have to feel guilty about it on top of the existing misery I experience daily about having a human form. Like why can’t I just be a spirit? Ethereal. Invisibly just around where I want to be. Mostly nowhere, but also hovering in between music notes and floating in bodies of water and soaking up the moonlight and melting into the arms of the wind as it carries me to a new adventure where I’m not perceived or expected to perform some clumsy ritual of having flesh. 🤷♂️
Humans do so many things to pretend like there’s a point. But life is just an accidental hardcore song that we thrash about to until we either fall apart or get overwhelmed by it. There’s no reason for life or death. It’s all just a collision of energy… chaos that we apply meaning to for the sake of our own selfish need for having a purpose. I used to think mine was helping others but I have come to see so clearly now that it doesn’t matter. My only real drive to exist was to be loved. And after being let down by every person tasked with that burden, I’m just ready to go fuck off into the world on my own terms. To be nothing but a spectator. An Observer who does everyone a favor and leaves them alone.
I long to release the sting of the imagined rejection That comes with this aging body To throw away the trophies I began collecting
at an inappropriately early age
Without a shred of sadness Without the juxtaposed madness Of needing to be wanted in the way that makes me as angry as it does validated
I want to go completely feral fat happy braless I want to embrace the departure of a physique that never even felt right to begin with And still be Wanted?
No that’s not right.
I long to be done with sex and love altogether To be part of an unhuman world Devoid of any emotional attachment to the very part of life
that was the cause of almost all of the darkest parts of mine
I long to only be tangled up in my accomplishments and my self To relish in the freedom of self love and no other I long to surrender and torch
the burden of being desirable
my mental health is hanging on by a thread these last few days.
What I should do:
*take time off work
*self care
*therapy
*talk to friends
What I can do:
Absolutely none of the above because I live in a semi truck and can’t afford shit right now and I really only have one friend… they’ve not responded to my texts or answered their phone for 3 days.
I keep using my mantra of “look on the bright side, your kids are doing great”
And then I just keep getting angrier that that’s my place in the world. Like I don’t deserve the good shit. I’m just here to be a fucking parable.
Would a decent way to protest this bullshit decision be for all of us to utterly flood our blogs with LEGAL nudes for the rest of the week and tag @staff each and every time?
The thing that’s so galling is how Tumblr is following this pattern that’s emerged among new and growing platforms: embrace and support sex workers while the platform is maturing, and then banning those same people – who helped the platform grow and flourish – at some arbitrary point in the future.
It’s not 1950. The Internet isn’t your corner newsstand. Instead of banning all adult content, which ridiculously tends to include non-sexual LBGTQ content, platforms like Tumblr should work with legitimate sex workers to develop tools and policies that both protect children and respect the rights of adults.
